Forms of Affection

Chris nodded slowly, “I didn’t.” And that had gotten him how far, exactly? Yeah, it had gotten him alone and miserable, clawing his way through life and up the corporate ladder to end up crawling into bed alone, far too late most nights, with his best friend being a vacuum he had made.

Yeah, go him.

So no, when Jaya had offered, as a friend, Christian had accepted, because at least this way, it was better. He wasn’t arguing with Safi now, definitely not, he looked at the other man, “I changed my mind not so long ago.” He had needed something, something he had known he was missing, but not how much he had been missing it until lately.

Christian wasn’t unaware of the situation he was in with Safi. He didn’t blame Safi for his lack of interest in a relationship, and that Safi wasn’t interested in the same thing Chris was was plenty clear to the smaller man, and… That was...okay. Mostly.

Of course, that didn’t mean that it didn’t bother and hurt Chris to watch Safi bring others back to sleep with. It didn’t mean that Chris wasn’t fully aware that he had to be careful about how he was with the other man. Playful? Sure. Serious? Never. He asked for hugs from time to time, but he let Safi set the rhythm of their interactions for the most part, because that allowed Safi to stay comfortable. It let their friendship move forward for both of them, and that was more important than anything else. Safi as a friend was far better than no Safi.

Jaya was trying to reassure Safi, and that was… Nice? Of her. Nice, but Christian could speak for himself, he really could. He saw Safi try to flirt with Jaya and… Fail? Which was confusing, because Safi was damn charming, especially when he was trying to be. And Chris was about ready to speak when Jaya continued, and…

Her words were… She shouldn’t be saying these things! She was… What was she doing?? Christian blinked, turning to look at Jaya, betrayed and feeling almost sick at what she was saying, what she was telling Safi… Because she was going to ruin everything; she was going to make Safi go away, and…

And Chris wasn’t even getting a say in it.

“Jaya.” The word was spoken in absolute, abject horror. And anger. The flush of Christian’s cheeks was not that of pleasure or happiness, it was mortification and fury, the difference told in the narrowing of his eyes, the strain of his jaw, and the cant of his body, leaning stiffly away from her.

He didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to be in this situation that he’d been put in, he didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of it. He wanted to be away. He needed to be away. His breath caught and stuttered in his chest, eyes narrowed, ears burning, he knew he needed to breath, but it was a labor to make himself do so, and he shook from the effort. She said no one would hurt him here, but his heart ached in his chest and he felt weak from the betrayal he felt. “I didn’t… You…” He glanced to Safi, shook his head, and then moved, all at once, toward the door.

Yes because adding in hard arousal was exactly what he needed in this situation, it wasn't feeding into simmering anger at all.

..and there it was. The green whore had decided to rip apart the careful plausible deniability they had both cultivated.

All he could do was watch Chris be humiliated by someone he'd trusted enough to take to his bed and-

Red film sifted over his vision-

Safi’s hand snapped out, curling around what ever scrap of fabric she was calling clothing- “Are you fucking pleased?!” He spoke Hebrew, rage and the background knowledge that she had to have a translator allowing him to be fully articulate for once. “Was that fun?!” His hand twisted drawing her closer. “This is how you get your rocks off? Breaking good men?” Safi saw the large bouncer coming at him and smiled. “I could break your neck before he gets here.” He whispered into her ear, shoving her hard with all his strength.

He just raised his hands at the bouncer; running after Chris.

Fuck if he knew what he was going to say when he caught him.

Jaya hadn't know what she'd expected when she'd told Safi off for the way he'd been treating Chris. She'd known that Chris wouldn't be happy with her, but she'd assumed that his momentary emotional upset would be worth the long term results. But she certainly wasn't expecting him to launch into a full scale panic attack.

Similarly, she'd expected annoyance, even anger from Safi, but she hadn't expected a murderous rage. It had been a long time since she'd miscalculated like this, and even as Safi was grabbing her, some small part of her mind was realizing that she'd assumed that because Chris acted so normal, so very Orion that she'd let herself think that Safi would react normally as well. And a man, a normal Orion man would have never been able to allow himself to think about putting hands on a woman like that. Still, she had been trained in what to do when grabbed, and she was fairly confident that her superior strength could catch him off guard if he did more than grab onto her.

Jaya felt the faint disorientation that hit when her translator picked up on a previously unused language, and since she had the latest model of universal translator, when she spoke her reply was in Hebrew. "You're the one who broke him." she growled "Now go and clean up your mess, boy." when he threatened her life she just said "Do it, and Kaalth will beat you to death, and you'll never kiss your boy." at that, Safi tossed her aside, and when Kaalth helped her to her feet she shook her head when he asked if he and Jax needed to retaliate. "I'm fine." she replied, "Just let me collect myself, and have a drink." the patrons who'd been watching relaxed their postures as they saw everything settling down. The Green Goddess was a quiet place, but it wouldn't be the first time that a fight had broken out between rivals.

She watched as Safi ran out the door, running after Chris. No matter what, she owed Chris an apology, but that was something she'd worry about later. Now, whatever would happen was going to happen. She'd stripped away any lies and illusions, now the two Terrans would have to figure it out themselves.

Christian was a quiet, careful man. When Steve had asked if Safi knew how he felt, he had pled, and all but begged, the man not to tell Safi. Because he had known, that would destroy the silent agreement he and Safi had made without ever acknowledging it.

When Jaya crumbled that, Christian had no idea what to expect from either Safi or himself. He had no idea how they would move forward, or if they would at all.

It was entirely possible that Safi wouldn’t want anything to do with him now, because, yes, because that was entirely possible. And that left a yawning chasm in his heart, because while he had worked to come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t have what he wanted, up until now, he had at least had something. He’d had friendship, and it had been good and real, and he wasn’t all alone all of the time.

The panic attack came from the idea that he would have to face life without that friendship, with being lonely again, with giving up everything, as well as the hope of ‘maybe someday’.

The betrayal he felt at having that ripped away from him by Jaya, of all people was every bit as painful. She was his friend, and she had done this, she had taken so much away from him with a few simple comments…

This was why it was better, easier, to just be alone.

It was lonely, and miserable, but it was safe, and now… He didn’t feel safe anymore.

The pheromones that Jaya gave off only made everything else he felt jumble up with arousal, and that didn’t help him as he tried to overcome everything, all of it, in order to do something as simple and natural as breathe… So he ran.

Christian didn’t normally run; he prided himself in not being a coward, but here, in this situation, he couldn’t bring himself to stay and fight. They were having this conversation, a conversation about him, without including him in it whatsoever.

And of course it was raining. Because this, this was his life, and it was ending. Or at least, it felt like it was ending. He managed to drag in a long, ragged breath as he fell into a bench, hands coming up to his face.

Jaya had no idea how close she came to being punched. “Bitch.” They were fine, Chris had been content, they were building a bond of friendship, trust, one that MAYBE might become something deeper as time went on. But that was for later. Until this BITCH threw it all on the fire.

“You really think I give a shit.” Because right than? He didn't. There was enough rage in him to override any sense of self preservation, the only thing stopping him was the cold hard fact that she didn't deserve to die for the minor infraction of breaking his friendship.

Safi had a strong enough moral code that even compromised he wouldn't cross that line.

He did toss her forcefully because she DID deserve that.

“Chris!” It was raining (because of course it was) obscuring his vision, making it harder to track the smaller man running through the streets. “Chris!!”

There!

Safi skidded to a stop in front of the huddled figure, “...” now what?

Tipping his head back Safi looked for divine inspiration- ‘I need the right words..’

“Want to go home?” He held out his hand, rain dripping off his fingertips. Nothing had to change, he wouldn't say anything and maybe just maybe they could continue their arrangement. “I will make Kartoffel soup.”

Content wasn't exactly the word that Chrisman would have used to describe himself. He'd been okay, accepting what Safi had been willing to give and keeping his desires to himself. He had lived with hope of maybe, eventually, and until then, he had settled into the strangeness of his life as it was.

He did, however, trust Safi implicitly.

That didn't stop the smaller man from running, head down slightly as he ran through the rain, stopping only because he couldn't catch his breath, and he couldn't stop shaking. Or shivering.

"Chris! Chris!!”

Chris did not look up. How could he? It was as though he were living his worst nightmare, and he had no cloak clue how to proceed here. It was the offer of the hand more than the question that Christian's attention, and he looked up, grateful for the rain because it masked the fact that he had cried before.

Home?

Chris nodded and stood, hesitating for a moment before he hugged the other man, accepting the offer to continue as they had been. After all. Christian hadn't asked for things to change; that had been Jaya. Not that he wouldn’t love for things to change in certain ways, but he was well aware that that wasn’t going to happen. And it hurt, it hurt to hug Safi like this, and then to let go and act like things were fine, but… “You don’t have to…” but he was definitely not saying no. Because really, a bowlful of hot soup sounded damn good. It was warm out, but soaking wet, Chris didn’t feel warm. He just felt… Lost. He wasn’t sure where Safi meant by ‘home’ but right now, Christian wasn’t going to be all that picky.

This wasn't perfect, maybe it wasn't even ‘good’. But sometimes you had to settle for ‘ok’.

Wrapping his arms around the smaller man Safi gave what he could, his warmth, his presence, he couldn't offer love, hell he wasn't even sure what that was anymore. He'd offer his bed…

But he was pretty sure that would hurt far more in the long run.

“Home.” Safi’s thumbs brushed over Chris’s shoulder blades hands moving to clasp him when he pulled back.

“I want to.” He smiled softly, food was a form of affection, have a Jewish mom for that and you learned quickly, he'd gotten the idea that maybe for chris.

Drawing his arm around the smaller man, he wasn't going to start treating him differently now, and he'd always been physically affectionate.

Home was their apartment, there was no reason they had to stay here the night, so leading him to their personal portal was a fairly quick walk.

“Shower, I start soup.” Safi nudged him towards the bathroom. Shaking a hand threw his hair, water flying around while he headed to the kitchen.

No, this wasn’t perfect, and yes, it hurt… But sometimes it worth the pain to have certain things. And having Safi around? Christian would tolerate the heartache. It would be fine.

Christian asked for comfort, and he asked for friendship and, at this moment, warmth. But he wasn’t asking Safi to love him. He knew there were things you couldn’t ask of another person, and that… That was one of them. And Christian definitely didn’t ask for Safi’s bed, because that… Yeah, that would be bad. Because while Safi was willing to overlook what Jaya had said, overlooking what would come of that... That would probably be impossible, and Chris knew it.

The affection from the larger man was… Well hell, Chris wasn’t going to turn it down, because it was wonderful; Safi was great at physical affection, but it was also a little bit bittersweet for the obvious reasons. Still, it was worth it. And Safi was definitely right; food was a form of affection. And Christian cooked for Safi pretty much every day. But he never said anything of it, instead just giving Safi a small smile, “Well in that case…”

Chris had turned and headed into into the bathroom, but he could sense what Safi was doing, and…

No.

Damn it, Safi! Chris caught back up to the taller man as he entered the kitchen, tossing the towel lengthwise over his head before turning to head back to the bathroom for his shower. “This,” he told Jonah as the little roomba followed him through the apartment, “Is why we can’t have nice things. Safi.” There was almost a laugh in his tone, as shaky as it might be. He wasn’t back to normal, but Chris was working on it.

The towel landed on his head, and all he could do was chuckle, with out looking he could picture the tiny hope Chris had to do to lift it up and over his head. “I'm not a dog.” He bitched playfully. “And it's just water. Not going to hurt anything.”

Hummm a dog...maybe they could get one...but no life did not include time for regular walks. And he had no interest is cats.

The towel rested on his now bare shoulders, cleaned cutting board and dirty sizzling frying pan and bubbling pot greeted Chris when he came out of the shower.

Safi had changed into his normal sweats and lack of shirt, he wasn't going to make any thing different, this was what he always preferred to wear around the house, so he wasn't going to add a shirt. That would be acknowledging things had changed.

“Hey. Good time.” He grinned tapping the ladle on the pot, left hand stirring melted cheese.

“Grab the bead yes?” He filled a pair of bowls topping them with sliced scallions and metled cheese.

“Mother maked this when I was small. I made it for Sara.”

Christian couldn’t help but to grin with unrestrained glee when he managed to drape the towel directly over Safi’s head. Of course he’d had to make a little jump to make it happen, but… Worth it! “No, you’re not. A dog would have been locked in the bathroom until it was done shaking off.”

Getting a dog wasn’t on Christian’s mind, but it wouldn’t have been a new thing he’d considered, either. But he worried about leaving a dog cooped up all day, and worried about not having enough time to give a puppy the love a puppy deserved, and not having time to train it properly… Dogs were a lot of work, and neither man wanted a cat.

Maybe some day. But right now, a dog just wasn’t feasible, and that had been the case even before finding Hub.

Christian padded out of the bathroom wearing shorts and a t-shirt, combing his hair through with his fingers when he saw Safi. And like pretty much every other day (because honestly, he’d had this crush for pretty much the whole time he’d known Safi, so nothing was new for him except that Safi now knew in no uncertain terms about it), he paused, blinked, and then picked up as though he hadn’t stopped.

At least he’d stopped blushing every damn time he’d seen Safi shirtless. That hadn’t taken long; exposure to Safi had killed the involuntary flush.

“Hey. Yeah, the whole apartment smells like soup.” This was definitely not a complaint; Christian loved cooking, but he loved the smell of food permeating through the whole place even more. It smelled better, smelled like how he imagined a home smelled…

Even before Safi mentioned the bread, Christian was cutting pieces off of the loaf for each of them, his motions smooth and sure like always. Tonight had rattled him, and badly, but he was fighting through it. He’d be okay. He had to be. When he was small? And he made it for his daughter? Chris blinked, turning to eye Safi as he turned to set the bread on small plates at the table, “Is that… Are you teasing me about my size now? Is that what this is?” The words might have been bitter once, but Chris had stopped worrying that Safi was teasing out of malice long ago, and there was no fire behind them now, only amusement.